Were you aware that the famous actor Andy Garcia was born with a foetus growing out of his left shoulder? I had not known this and I am unhappy that some sort of conspiracy, some wall of silence, was constructed to keep this news from the paying public.I watched in blissful ignorance of the fact; had I known I would have picketed the cinema. I am aware of the foetus business now only because I stumbled across an excellent website entitled ‘25 Celebrities With Hideous Physical Deformities’, and Garcia was there at number six.

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These people are happy to bask in mass public adoration — but would that adoration have been forthcoming if we had known all along that they were monsters? I found the site during my early morning trawl of the internet looking for people less fortunate than myself.

I find it difficult to start the day without a good gloat — just ten minutes or so to get the juices flowing.

I had actually tapped in to my search engine: ‘Photographs of people getting stuff from food banks’, which I was sure would cheer me up for a while.

But, strangely, there are very few such shots available.

They looked as though they were well and truly sated already.

First they had cleared out Morrisons and then they had cleared out the stuff which Morrisons had itself cleared out to the local food bank.

And so it seems incontestable that, far from providing an invaluable last-course resource for the nation’s poorest people, these food banks are actually exacerbating the country’s appalling obesity problem.

There are plenty of photographs of do-gooders handing out crates of food, smiling beatifically and with halos around their heads, but very few of the actual customers.

And when, after exhaustive searching, I did find three or four such pictures, I was filled not with glee but instead with an unquenchable anger.

You see, the one thing all the people in those photographs had in common is that they were morbidly obese. It occurred to me that these people had already spent vast amounts of money on food and had dropped by the local food bank for a freebie top-up.

They didn’t look as if they were, you know, starving.